Live free, stand strong, love ALL!

Men are dumb

So yesterday I got asked out on a date (not uncommon) and I said no (slightly more uncommon). I explained that I  am not going to date till I’m 22 because of a promis I made to God and he tried to explain that “it’s not really a date. Just two people going to dinner and a movie to get to know each other better” which is, infact, a date. And I told him that it was a date and I’m not comfortable with it. I explained that I didn’t mind bringing him lunch at his work because that is something I would do with any of my friends, but I was not comfortable going out alone with him… And he got super pissed off at me because I was “Accusing him of things and saying he had other motives and telling him that I didn’t trust him and that he was going to do something” and all this crap and just would NOT drop the issue. I tried telling him I wasn’t accusing him of anything, that all i said was I was uncomfortable with the idea and that I will always be uncomfortable with that idea because I have had promblems in the past… Then he told me that we can’t hang out “alone” anymore which is all he ever wants to do and pretty much means that we wont be able to hang out at all…. And all that said, I feel like such a douche bag….. Ugh… I don’t even know why. But I ended up cryiing myself to sleep last night. Thank God for Robert and his willingness to help keep me sane when I have break downs! I love my big brother <3

wow…

So today I was blessed by just being able to be with some of the people I love. It was so amazing to just relax with them and have fellowship. I love Sundays because it’s my one day that, even though I’m super busy all day and really don’t have time to just sit, I am still relaxed. It’s nice.

On the way home I was talking to Linzie (because her and Anthony gave me a ride) and we were talking about something that Anthony did not want to tell us. Linzie said it was because he was protecting us from it (because it was apperently something really bad that he didn’t want us to hear) and she told me that there is a passage in scripture that says something to the effect of “if you corrupt a child you are going to wish you hadn’t been born” (we dont’ know where that was or what the exact verse said).

That moment stopped me in my tracks. Not because I have corupted a child, but rather, because I was a child who, when you look at it, was corrupted…. It stopped me because, my childhood was taken from me. I didn’t get to be the innocent little girl that I should have been. I was doing things only an adult should do by the time I was 8. My childhood WAS, infact, corrupted.

Then I realized what that verse was saying… The person who corrupted me IS going to wish he hadn’t been born… Unless he repents (and I honestly have no idea if he has or if he ever will get the chance to) he is going to Hell… He is going to suffer for all that he’s done. Perminantly. And he will regret everything and be forever separated from Jesus, from God… From peace…. He’s going to be in pain and suffering forever.

That man was wrong. He did wrong. But he also, most likely, had wrong done to him. He was in a bad place and we all could tell. Everything that I remember of him is pain… not just for me. But everytime I think of him and see his face, he looks sad. I remember him being sad. Very rarely did he TRULY smile… He was already suffering. Now he’s in prison and he’s still suffering unless he has truly repented and come to Jesus… He was a man who was hurting as much as I am now, and yes, he should have delt with it differently, he shouldn’t have ever taken that hurt out on me, but we can’t change what he’s done. No amount of words can change that. And now, he’s going to suffer forever. And now, the pain I’m feeling is not for myself, but rather for him. Because I know that he is lost and worst of all, unless God puts someone in his life in prison (which I truly TRULY hope He does) he is going to Hell… And there is nothing that I can do about it except for praying for him…..

This is the first time I’ve ever thought of that man and felt sorrow for him.. pain. I understand his hurting more than anyone else can because we share a pain. The difference is I never acted on that pain. I never acted on that pain because Jesus gave me strength not to. That man needs Jesus more than ever. I’m sitting here with tears runing down my face because I am suddenly very sad for him. Not angry anymore. Just heart broken for his brokeness…. For his pain.. and loss… And I’m praying that Jesus is working in his life, and that God really gets a hold of him before it’s too late. Because (and I can honestly say I never thought I would say this) but I really want to see him in Heaven and share in the glory of God with him forever…….. Please pray for him. Before it’s too late.

I love that God is always looking out for me

So the last couple days I’ve been talkin to an old friend. I care about him, and he cares about me; and it’s VERY obvious that we both have feelings for each other. The only thing is that we have not ever done anything about it.

To catch you guys up, I made a promis to God a while back that I would not date anyone until I was 22, which is in August of this year. I made that promise in responce to something God had been telling me when I was praying about a relationship that might be with another friend. God told me not to date till I was 22. He also told me not to worry about the possible relationship with the that friend I had been praying about. He told me that I should not worry because everything will work out. I have no idea what that means other than the fact that everything will work out and that I need to wait. So, I’ve been waiting.

This other friend, however, the one I was talking about first, he is making it kind of hard to wait. Because he’s a believer, and he’s sweet, and just plain fun to be around. So, I’ve been talking with him a little bit more. Nothing has happened (At ALL) we still have not even hung out alone. But last night, he gave me an option. He wanted me to hang out with him tonight after work (which would be around 7). That would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact that I wouldn’t have any way of getting home, and when I asked him how I would get home he dropped hints about me just spending the night at his place. I won’t lie and say that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. It did. And to be perfectly honest, did think about going over. Not to do anything, just to hang out. But the fact is, it would be hard for us. A HUGE stumbling block for us both. So today, with the thought still lingering I prayed about it. And here’s what happened.

I prayed, and it hit me that I had to go home with my parents BEFORE he was off. So I went home. But my mom, who was super thirsty wanted to stop at Mcy Dee’s on Cannal Dr. however, that one was super packed and my dad didn’t want to wait. So we ended up at the one on Kennewick where, it just so happened, that ONLY the drive-threw was packed. So my parents sent me in to get the drinks where, it just so happened that my OTHER friend whom I had prayed about and whom God had told me not to worry about was sitting there having lunch with his mom… He’s the first person I saw and I got to give him a hug before I left. The very first thing I thought was “WOW! He’s so gorgeous and sweet and I love him so much (in whatever way that is) how can I EVER think of being with anyone else?” Then I realized that no matter how long I have to wait, I will. I can be patient for him. I can’t be patient for anything or anyone else, but I can be for him. And I’m willing to be for him.

God had my back today. He worked it out after I prayed (well knowing Him, before I prayed) and arranged for me to be in the right place at the perfectly right moment. I wanted to know not only what I should do, but also I wanted strength to NOT do anything stupid. Seeing that other friend of mine gave me not only the knowledge of what I should do, but also gave me the strength NOT to do anything stupid. I realized that I didn’t WANT to do anything stupid. Not while he’s in my life. So, I guess this is just a super long way of saying that I seriously love that God is always looking out for me. With out Him in my life, I would not have the strength to do anything and I would always be stumbling. I need Him to keep me in line and to, every now and then, beat me in the head with a big stick or just Gibbs slap me! God I love my God!!!! <3

Me: *pausing in a convorsation so I can count something*  “Sorry, I was counting something”

My MALE friend: “It’s ok, I have to take off my shoes and pants to count to 21”

Me: *counting for a minute in my mind to figure out how I could count to 21 with no shoes and pants then slowly realizes what he was saying*   “OH!! LOL!”

Me: “I think that was so funny because of how long it took me to figure it out”

Him: “Yeah, technically I can count to 23 if I really need to”

Me: “LOL”

Tonight

Cody took me home and we talked (as we always do) and he really encouraged me! I mean, he’s an encouraging guy anyways, but I really needed that chat! Seriously!

He told me that he really sees a strong change in me since I started going to that bible study. I really haven’t seen anything. Like, I see a change, but from my point of view it feels like a change for the worse. But Cody really encouraged me. He told me that, like when you watch the grass grow, you can’t see the change very well when you always just sit and watch it. But when you’re not always starring at it, than you will see the big changes you look for. He said that because I’m watching that grass on an almost constant basis, I can’t see that growth. But he, who is an outsider, can see from a better perspective… Really, I hadn’t thought of it like that. There was more, but I really don’t have the energy to keep writing. I mean, really, I needed that! I really REALLY needed that!

So I’m afraid of men.. I’m even more afraid of those guys who have muscles ON their muscles! Those guys who look like their favorite pastime is lifting short buses over their heads…

SO it’s really refreshing when I see a man who looks like that and is cuddling his little, tiny baby girl who can’t be more than three months old… I mean, he could probably snap her head off with a simple flick of the wrist, but instead he goes out of his way to make her smile and giggle.. even if it means he’s making himself look like a goof in a public place.

I kinda feel like that is how God is with us. He could very easily kill us all, I mean He turned someone into a freaking pillar of salt, but instead of just killing us He does what He can to take care of us… He’s the strongest daddy there has EVER been, I feel as though HE  is the Father that should be the role model for this fallen world!!!